Saturday: Even though I’m not working there is still a distinction between weekdays and the weekend. I think I’s because I feel safer at the weekend.
Before I stopped drinking, weekdays were for fear and weekends were for rest. At my worst, just before my last admission to hospital, a typical weekday day would consist of:
5.00 am-6.00 am - First wakeup. - Instant flood of panic and cold sweats. Stay in bed and try and keep the bad thoughts out of my head.
8.00 am – 9.00 am – Get out of bed. – Do the necessaries (usually urgent due to persistent diarrhoea), make coffee and have first cigarette. The first hit of caffeine and nicotine invariably led to a heightened feeling of panic which would lead to more sweating and the onset of the shakes.
Generally, the second or third cigarette would bring on the mornings dry heave; a violent, uncontrollable retching that yielded little.
9.00 am-11.00 am – Convinced that all I need was one ‘calm me down’ drink, I would start nearly every day at the local Wetherspoon’s pub that starts serving beer at 9.00am. After around four or so strong lagers I would feel strong enough to try some work.
11.00am – 12.00am – The shakes now under control, I could actually type on the computer so I would answer a few e-mails and maybe make a phone call or two.
12.00am – 2.00pm – Lunchtime. Everyone has a lunch break after all; another four to five pints for lunch in another pub.
2.00pm – 5.00pm – Try and do a bit more work. Start to get bored or find the keys on the keyboard a little too difficult to find. Have a break (down the pub). It’s my business; I’ll do as I please.
5.00pm – 7.00pm – Go to the supermarket and pick up some cans of lager and a microwave meal. Eat half the meal (my only food for the day) in front of the TV. Finish the cans, take anti-depressants, go to sleep.
‘Oh happy days’