Thursday, 12 December 2013

My Relationship with Alcohol


I’ve been neglecting my blog again recently and was surprised to find that I haven’t posted in here for over two months but it’s for a good reason!

Not an alcoholic relapse nor a two month bout of depression, though I still have my moments, not at all. It’s because I have found work! Hooray!

Since joining the website fiverr.com two months ago, things have gone from strength to strength. I am now writing on a regular basis, got a few regular customers and got a few extra pounds in my pocket for my efforts too.


I’ve also been re-discovering my ‘relationship’, as my counsellor calls it, with alcohol. What this really means is that I finally accept that I’m an alcoholic and will always have that unnerving tendency to have one too many. I have been experimenting and the results have been interesting; two pints of strong lager on a full stomach and all is well and good. Three pints on an empty stomach and I can feel some of the old passion coming back and could well be on the way for a binge.

But best of all, I no longer want to get drunk because I can’t write when I’m pissed. It really is as simple as that. I’ve found something that I really enjoy and, apparently am quite good at, that I simply can’t do when I’ve had a drink.

Another interesting discovery is that since I retired from professional drinking is i.e. ten points being breakfast, although I can still down a pint in a professionally speedy manner, I now get drunk like ordinary people, after three or four and I get hangovers too!

Someone who’s never been there might by perplexed as to why getting a hangover should be a cause for celebration but let me tell you; when I was drinking heavily I didn’t get hangovers, I got withdrawal symptoms so to me, a hangover is a great achievement!

But then we get to the perennial alcoholics question. Should I abstain completely? I’ve said before that I want to be an ex-alcoholic, not a recovering alcoholic but is this really possible? Alcoholics Anonymous would tell you no its not; you must abstain completely and attend meetings at least once a week to keep you off the demon booze. Well, I don’t agree with that entirely, but I will now grudgingly admit that I will always have to be aware that I have it within me to become an alcoholic again. I had a drink two days running a couple of weeks ago and on the third day was petrified to discover myself wanting another.  Memories of what it’s like to actually need a drink came flooding back so I gave myself a swift slap and didn’t go back to the pub.

I don’t think there is a clear cut answer to this question for everybody. I recognised the signs this time and stopped myself, so perhaps I will be able to control it in the future, but equally I understand that not everybody would find it so easy to hold back. My advice, if you are at the same stage, is to start by being honest with yourself. Only you know if you can control it. Not AA and not counsellors.
For me, the jury is still out and I will continue to experiment with alcohol, but that’s my choice, at least I have choices now, but if you are recovering and you have even the slightest doubts about your ability to stop once you’ve started then don’t even go there. Believe me, old habits really do die hard and it is quite a challenge, once you’ve had a few, to pull yourself back from the brink and say no more.

Meanwhile, I continue with my blossoming writing career. I love writing for Fiverr customers, most of the time, even if sometimes the topics are tedious to say the least. It has its ups and downs. The ups are the feelings of achievement, that all is not lost after all and, of course, the extra pennies help. The biggest downer is that I’ve opened up my life to work deadlines again which is taking a bit of getting used to.

I also need to remember not to get carried away. It must be in my all or nothing nature, but I find myself doing Fiverr work all day long to the exclusion of everything else, hence no blog posts, no new articles on Hub Pages and my room needs a bloody good clean as well so, as with my drinking, I’m going to learn to pace myself. Writing a bit here, writing a bit there, spreading myself out over several different platforms will help keep up my interest as well and there are many ways of earning a wage writing, not just Fiverr.


This isn’t meant to be an advert for Fiverr or for my own work but I do hope that sharing my experiences of starting out again might help someone else so I’m going to change the tone of this blog a bit from one of ‘Get me out of here I’m an alcoholic’ to more of a ‘how to get over being an alcoholic’. May be a bit optimistic but hey, what else have I got!

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