10 important things that women need to know about man-flu

Man-flu, influennza
Having just spent the last three days in bed, wallowing in self-pity, I’d like to finally put to rest some of the myths that abound within the female population about man-flu. Man-flu is an insidious virus that seeks out the male members of the human race, without pity or remorse, and brings them to their knees, once or twice every single year. So, before you ladies scoff and pour scorn on an infected man, read these ten things that you need to know about man-flu.

1. It is not a cold  
Colds are what children and old ladies get. Men don’t just get colds, they get the flu. Do you really think that a mere cold would get to a man in the same way? No way, what men get is full blown, debilitating and, downright bloody horrible, flu.

2. He needs all those cold remedies
When a man feels the first symptoms of man-flu, it’s down to the drugstore to pick up all the weapons that he knows he’s going to need to beat this virulent little bug. That means; one bottle of chesty cough mixture, one bottle of dry, tickly cough mixture; one bottle of Day Nurse and One bottle of Night Nurse; anything that has ‘Vicks’ on the label which can be stuffed up the nose or rubbed on the chest , and several boxes of man-flu sized tissues.

3. He will need the same soup that his mum used to make him
Man-flu kills the appetite stone dead and the only thing we can eat is exactly the same thing that our mothers used to bring us when we were sick. This will vary, from man to man, but it will usually include tomato or, chicken, soup and, or, boiled eggs with soldiers.

4. He will be too weak to mop his own brow
The fever that man-flu brings on, is so intense that a cold cloth will need to be applied to the forehead, frequently, to avoid overheating. A fresh application of cold water to the cloth will have to be made before each individual application.

5. The TV remote control will become too heavy to lift
Man-flu also drains all the strength of a man’s muscles and this will mean that he is incapable of changing the TV channel himself. In less severe cases, he may be able to press the buttons, so leave the remote control nearby.

6. He will be unable to answer the telephone
Along with the loss of physical prowess that comes with the onset of man-flu, there can also be the loss of the ability of coherent speech. This phenomenon can be roughly translated into: “Can you get it?”, or, “I really can’t be arsed”.

7. He will feel an unnatural urge to tell you the he can’t sleep
They say in all the relationship advice columns, that you should share everything with your partner. Well, when a man has man-flu, and he can’t sleep, he just knows that it would be wrong not to share that info with you. Give him a break, when he wakes you at 3.00am to tell you he can’t sleep because he has man-flu; it’s only because he cares about you!

8. Man-flu is far, far worse, than a period
So, a period is a little uncomfortable and a woman can get a bit irritable with it. What’d you think man-flu feels like! Man-flu is like a period, multiplied by one million and, men don’t even get a regular monthly dose so that they can get used to it!

9. Man-flu is a stealth disease
Man-flu is an illness that attacks suddenly and without warning. You go to bed, wondering why you have a sore throat and, you wake up, feeling like one of the living dead. It can hit a man at the most inconvenient times too, like on the day he was due to visit the mother-in-law or, when the world cup final falls on a weekday.

10. There needs to be more scientific research done on man-flu
Seriously, I don’t believe that man-flu is anything like the same as sniffles that women get. I didn’t even have the energy to go the pub at the weekend, let alone do any writing. Science needs to find a cure for man-flu and fast, for the sake of all mankind!